In order to refresh my memory, I have watched both Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York and I can say three things with complete confidence: 1. Kevin McCallister is a sadistic child, who only gets worse over time, 2. Kevin’s father, Peter, has to be a member of the mob, and 3. After Lost in New York particularly, both Harry and Marv should be dead.

Let’s begin with the character who, no doubt, grew up to be a sociopathic maniac, Kevin McCallister. In Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, it makes sense why Kevin does not go to the cops. He’s committed credit card fraud and he doesn’t want to get in trouble with them. But, in Home Alone, why in the hell does he not call the police once the phone lines are back up? Also, Kevin’s parents, Peter and Kate, manage to call all their neighbors houses who all have working phone lines, but their house still doesn’t have the phone line working? What kind of sense does that make? Anyway, I refuse to believe that the reason Kevin doesn’t call the cops is because he stole that toothbrush. He’s clearly smarter than that based solely on how he survives on his own and plans and executes those sadistic traps. He doesn’t call the cops because he doesn’t want them involved. He doesn’t call the cops because he has this boobytrap plan that he’s definitely thought about before and he wants to use it. And, who better to use it on than two criminals who go from committing burglary to wanting to commit murder in 2.1 seconds?

Kevin’s traps in the first film are classic. Yes, they are all things that would cause significant damage to both Harry and Marv, but they all still seem kind of doable. Now, in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, the traps Kevin lays out are so much more elaborate. They seem like more planning than one night would be needed, again leading me to the conclusion that Kevin McCallister has extensively thought about causing this harm. These two events lead me to the conclusion that Kevin McCallister must be a sadist and, undoubtedly, grows up to be in charge of a BDSM dungeon or a dentist or something.

Peter McCallister absolutely has to be a member in the mob. Hear me out.

First, let’s look at that large house. The McCallister house is exceptionally big. It fits his children, his brothers children, and Uncle Frank’s children. Money is clearly not a problem in this house, as nobody bats an eye at the pizza delivery bill. Combine this with the fact that the film takes place in Chicago and I struggle to figure out what else Peter may do to be able to afford that. Further showing that money is not an object in the McCallister household, when trying to get on a plane to return from Paris to Chicago to get back to Kevin, Kate straight up asks about chartering a private plane. A private plane from Paris to Chicago. Even in 1990, that had to cost a pretty penny. And she doesn’t even hesitate in asking, like it’s been done before in their family. Now, could Peter be a hotshot executive at some company based in Chicago? Sure. But, how many executives do you know that can actually get the Christmas holiday completely off, without having to be within ears reach of a phone? Pretty sure if Peter is high up enough in the mafia, he could just threaten to kill everybody if they try to contact him during this time and they would all listen.

Peter being in the mob also helps to explain why Harry and Marv focus in so much on the McCallister house. The other houses on the block are also fairly large. The whole neighborhood seems to be upper middle class, at least. So, why would the Wet Bandits put nearly all their attention on this one house in particular? They must know something that we don’t.

Furthering my theory even farther is Kevin’s use of the made up films “Angels with Filthy Souls” and “Angels with Filthier Souls”. These two instances may seem to not be important, but I beg to differ. Kevin first uses the tommy gun audio on the poor pizza delivery boy dropping off his pizza, effectively scaring the ever living shit out of him, and Kevin finds it funny. Kevin finds it even funnier when, in Lost in New York, he does the same thing to the hotel workers, in order to escape the hotel. I think this helps to prove that in the McCallister household, it’s not uncommon to hear about solving problems with violence, with guns, etc. Which is then why Kevin is so unfazed about the tommy gun and literally causing people to think they are going to die.

But, Kristen, if Peter McCallister is in the mob, like you say, why would they stay at that horrible hotel in Florida in the second film? Well, I have an explanation for that. First, I want to point out that the entire family is traveling to Miami for the holidays and we never get an explanation as to why. What else is/was big in Miami? The mob and drugs. Okay. But why stay in that rundown looking motel? Simple. The explanation is one of two reason: 1. Uncle Frank was in charge of booking the hotel (“It didn’t look this bad on our honeymoon”) or 2. The motel is a front for the mob and Peter had to stay there for whatever business he was actually in Miami to do.

My final conclusion about these two films is a pretty common one: The Sticky Bandits (formerly The Wet Bandits), Harry and Marv, should absolutely be dead from the havoc wreaked upon them by Kevin McCallister. Starting with the first film, Harry should have definitely suffered some terrible burns from his head lighting on fire. But, instead all we see is that his hat burned off. Marv needs to go and get a tetanus shot ASAP after stepping on that nail, and they both need to be checked for concussions after being whalloped in the head with those paint cans. Lost in New York is where the real damage happens to the two of them, particularly Marv. Right off the bat, Marv gets hit directly in the head multiple times with bricks. BRICKS. Have you ever just stubbed your toe on a brick? That shit hurts. Now imagine one of those things falling from three or four stories up and hitting you on the head? You’d be passed out with brain damage at the least or dead. Moving on to inside Kevin McCallister’s House of Horrors, Marv falls completely through the floor to the basement, where he is then crushed with paint cans, and later electrocuted . Harry gets a bag of metal tools dumped onto his head, which is almost as bad the bricks. I mean, have you ever held one of those metal wrenches? Those things are solid. Harry’s head is then set on fire again, this time with him attempting to put out the flame with the toilet water which has been replaced with something flammable. Again, Harry comes out of that burn free. Both of these men then get hit in the head with, what looks like, a giant iron bar and they fall back through the floor into the basement. They should be passed out at least at this point, wouldn’t you think? Also, side question, how did Kevin McCallister toss that thing over the railing? Anyway. They are both then smashed with a tool chest, and fall down a flaming rope that had been dipped in kerosene, but still manage to come out completely fine. Kind of reminds me of that scene in George of the Jungle. (really big booboos)

And that’s all I got. Once again, are there more important things going on in the world right now? Are there life changing films I could be watching and writing about right now? Yes. But, this has consumed me for too long and I needed you all to know.